Emotions

I'm going a little crazy right now and this post definitely will be a personal one. It's just, I'm the one that ended it, I'm the one that had good reason to and I'm the one that should be happy about it. But that's not how it is. I am an on and off again mess! Finding pictures of us in my phone, and computer and the internet and other things just makes me cringe. Emotionally right now SUCKS! I don't know if I want to hang with friends or be alone... so I am currently relying on friends, but that's not gonna work forever. Yesterday was decent. Like, in the morning I had Alex R., afternoon Eric and Travis and at night I had Marshall, Amanda, Bethany, Olivia, Alex R., Courtney, Holly, Nic and John. That was good. It kept my mind occupied for the most part, but even then I still had my moments. I guess I can't wait until non of this matters. I almost went the whole "rebound" path, but I couldn't. I can't think of other guys right now. It literally sickens me. I wish I could go through this and be able to instantly talk to other guys without a guilty conscience, without feeling sick, without any hesitations. I wish I could be like that because moving on obviously would be a lot easier. But I'm not. So yeah. I have to suffer. I just can't wait until it gets easier to deal with. It sucks that at one time I used to think about Jared and my heart would swell up with happiness and joy, literally the happiest I had ever been in my entire life was when things were great with Jared... and now thinking about the same person hurts so bad. I guess that's how it works. Hopefully one day I will find... or better yet someone will find ME, and appreciate me for who I am, and love me unconditionally like I do for others. Hopefully one day I find someone I deserve but feel like I don't. And hopefully when this person and I cross paths, the paths join together and never separate. But until then, if that ever happens lol... I will move on with life, enjoy the upcoming summer and try to be happy. And when I'm happy, but no longer trying to be... that's when I will know that all is good :)